Hogwarts on the brink of insanity :)
by BakaChibiGaki
Summary: METMA challenge. PG only for one or two words.That is all. R/R!


A/N: so, here we are, with my first METMA challenge! YAY!  
Okay, the challenge was:  
  
Okay, here is the new challenge (Started: 04.07.01)   
*It must have a plot, be in TXT format, and funny.   
*There must be a softball   
*Someone needs to whistle "Dixie"   
*A pink car needs to be in it   
*someone's watch needs to brake.   
*There have to be two or more rhyming lines.   
*someone needs to jump on one foot the entire time   
*and lastly, someone needs to say "Ani rotzah lechem" which means "I want   
bread!" (for a female) in hebrew.   
  
Since this is in TXT, I can't put italics or anything, so I'm doing *these* *grins* I've always wanted to do those!  
Gee, TXT format sucks; it goes straight to Notepad. *damn*  
  
Hmmm...plot, she asks...well, I guess the plot is to get Ron up off the floor, get Harry out of his sugar high, Hermione needs to discover that the crazed author needs to get a life and decides to help her on her merry way, and KILL SNAPE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
*Coughs* Yes, well...  
  
On with the fic, I guess.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
In the Gryffindor Common room, people were going hyper.  
  
Ron was butt naked, doing a hippie dance (mate with a teddy bear and dance around with your hands in a toilet) as a dare from Hermione.   
  
"I'll give you 5000 galleons if you do the hippy dance," she said, batting her eyelids. "Shit, a contact went up my nose...my mother warned me against doing that..."  
  
So he refused to stop, even though a crowd has gathered round, and Colin Creevey was taking 100 pictures to sell to the whole school.  
  
Harry was flying around up on the ceiling, and Ginny was trying to get him down.  
  
"Come down Harry! I've got a surprise for you!" she cooed.  
  
"I wanna hop on one leg! On the broomstick!"  
  
"GET DOWN YOU IDIOT!" she screamed but to no avail.  
  
"Ani rotzah lechem!"  
  
"THAT'S FOR A FEMALE, YOU STUPID PRAT!"  
  
"WHAT, ARE YOU AT GETTING TERRIBLY FAT?"   
  
"Poof!"  
  
"Woof!" Harry screamed back.  
  
"Ugh, I should have given up ages ago," she muttered, running to her dorm.  
  
"RON! Stop dancing on my watch!"   
  
*SMASH*   
  
"You broke my watch!" screamed Hermione.  
  
"No I didn't-" he retorted, lifting up one leg and still dancing. "Oops."  
  
"THAT WAS 500 GALLEONS! YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!"  
  
"Takes one to know one," he mumbled, *still* dancing.  
  
"Who wants to figure out who's making us do all this? Or hack into the Slytherin common room and give them a treat?" asked Hermione, whacking Ron on the head and making him fall over. He got up, brushed himself off and went to his dorm to get some clothes. "Oh no you don't-PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" And Ron was left, lying on the floor naked, for all the people and cockroaches to see.  
  
"WHO WANTS TO HAVE SUGAR!" yelled Harry.  
  
"MMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHH! HMM HMMP MPH!" cried Ron.  
  
"He said, 'you need an Acid Pop-get me outta here!'" said Ginny, who had only come down the stairs to translate for him and eat some ashes out of the fireplace (A/N: YUM! j/k).  
  
"Harry," Hermione cooed, "come down from there."  
  
"Ani rotzah lechem!"  
  
"I'll give you a fizzing whizbee! Idiot," she mumbled. "Come on, I'll give you some Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans too? Please?"  
  
He jumped off his Firebolt and onto the couch, where Seamus and Lavender were doing...er...something, and started drooling. "SU...GAR...SUGAR...SUGAR!" he chanted.  
  
"Okay, Harry, follow me and we'll go to Madam Pomfrey, she has *lots* of sugar," she coaxed.  
  
She pulled him off the bed, where Seamus and Lavender were still doing...something...and set off out the Common Room.  
  
"MMMMMMph... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmppppppppppp hhhhnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnn!" Ron moaned.  
  
"Er...Dean...DEAN! Anyone? Can you stop gawking and... er...help me up? Please? I hate translating...sorry Ron, I don't know the countercurse - i'm off for some ashes." And with that Ginny left Ron alone.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
They walked all around the halls of Hogwarts. Half the school was out on a Hogsmeade trip, so no one bothered them-except, that is, Crabbe and Goyle.  
  
"Vincent, my man," Goyle said in an I-am-the-smart-one-here-and-you-must-obey-for-I-may-be-able-to-kill-you-some-time-soon kind of voice, "Do you think the quadrangular triangle is mathematically correct when you add the formula X+4=y+2 onto it's proceeding math sum?" (A/N: if you don't understand, you're not the only one ;) it's fun making up all this nonsense!)  
  
"Why certainty, Gregory old chap! Unless it gets disrupted buy Xx2=yx4+x+4=y+2 when you add the *semi* quadrangle with the normal quadrangle and a primitive dodecagon to the equasion, that would be mathematically correct," Goyle said, looking pretty stupid - saying all these smart things and looking incredibly fat at the same time.  
  
"Shall we whistle 'Dixie'?"  
  
"It would be an honour to do that with *you*!"  
  
"La, la-wait," Goyle said, finally spotting Hermione, Harry, and Malfoy, who had switched brains with Mrs. Norris and was trying to call Filch. (A/N: I have no idea how *Malfoy* of all people got into this fic, but let's make the most of it and embarrass the hell outta him.)  
  
They raised their wands, and were about to put Hermione, Ferret-Boy-Cat-brains and Harry into a whole lot of deep shit when Voldemort appeared behind them.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
"Can everyone please stop laughing at me and get me up?" Ron whined. A small group had gathered around him (save Seamus and Lavender: they really enjoyed doing that...thing...on the couch), for Fred and George had come along and had the grace to put on his fluffy pink teddy bear boxers and perform the counter curse to the full body bind - and, unfortunately, put the *half* body bind on him instead.  
  
"HHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP!"  
  
  
"I think we should see what medication this author is on, don't you?" asked Dean, turning to Parvati.  
  
"Hmmm... I dunno," whispered Parvati, "I kind of like the way the author has made Ron naked... ::sigh:: it's been my lifelong dream to see him in his boxers only..."  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Er...excuse me," he said in a prissy tone, "Like, I was just trotting through the neighbourhood, looking for my boyfriend Snape (do you know how sexy he is when he's angry! Oh, I love him almost as much as, like, my green decapitated bunny rabbit), when this, like *so* piece of junk-" he turned around to reveal a pink car stuck in his head "-decided to, like put itself in my head. It is ssooooo pissing me off, I was just wondering if you could, like take it out for me? And, like, while you're at it, could you ssooo lend me your wand? I, like, have this urge to kill here. It is ssssssooooooooo bugging me, and I would, like, be grateful if you relieved me of it, or whatever they say!"  
  
"Snape's your *boyfriend*?" Hermione gasped, amongst idiotic cries from Harry and Malfoy (Harry was chewing on Malfoy's hair). "How'd that happen?"  
  
"Nuh-uh, don't go there girlfriend!" Voldie answered, snapping his fingers impatiently, and looking like a mutated snob.  
  
"Ani rotzah lechem!" screamed Harry, and he and ferret boy started wailing.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with this author?" yelled Hermione. "WHERE IS SHE GETTING ALL THIS *GLORIOUS POWER*?"  
  
Without warning, the new girl stepped out. "Voldemort, I am your 3rd cousin," she yells, "HUG ME!"  
  
"CUT! I WANT THIS TO STOP!"  
  
Hermione rips the scene's background in half, blows up the computer, and approaches the girl at the keyboard who is on the *second* highest sugar high in her life.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Hermione screamed.   
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" the author screamed back.  
  
"What's wrong with you?"  
  
"I had to sit through Pokemon the Movie 2000 with my mum's best friend's seven year old brat!" the author shrieks, pulling out her plaits (A/N: did I tell you? I'm African, and my mum just plaited my hair. I HATE IT!)  
  
"Do you know what they do in that movie? HUH! THE UGLY BLACK HAIRED GUY COLLECTS SOFTBALLS, FLYING MONKEYS GO NUTS AND KILL ANOTHER FLYING MONKEY, AND THE HYPER RED HEAD FALLS FOR THE BLACK HAIRED POOF! OKAY! I HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE MAD!" Taking a few deep breaths, she steps off the computer table, sits down, straightens a pile of papers on her desk and looks at Hermione calmly. "Now, er, *Heather*, will you do me the honour of stepping in my broken computer, fixing it and making it an awesome laptop, and GETTING THE HELL BACK INTO MY FIC!?"  
  
"Whatever," Hermione mumbled, "just make everything right again?"  
  
As Hermione steps into the computer and carries out her promise, the author mumbles inanely, "there isn't a chance in hell that I'll make everything right again. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" coughs, and commences typing.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
"HUG ME!" screamed Voldemort's third cousin, running to him.  
  
"What? Moama? NOOO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Voldie shrieked. "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"Wow," muttered Hermione, "so *that's* how you kill an evil person. I better start on Snape."  
  
Just out of nowhere, Snape sat on her face. "NNOOOOOOO! VOLDEMORT MY LOVE! I WAS GOING TO ASK IF YOU'D MARRY ME! PLEASE, WILL YOU STAY FOR THE PRENUPTUAL AGREEMENTS?" he yelled, sobbing. "I'll never love again."  
  
"Coo coo!" said Harry, laughing.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
"Well, Hermione?" Ron asked eagerly when they got back. "Do I get my 500 galleons?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Well," said Hermione matter-of-factly, "you didn't dance the whole day. You could have dodged the spells I threw at you. And besides, I'm not that stupid that I carry 'round 1/3 of my wealth."  
  
"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
"I'm sorry, Dumbledore, but they're going to have to share brains."  
  
Dumbledore looked down on the bodies of Harry and Malfoy. "Very well, Poppy," he said gravely," but can I eat Malfoy's brains? I want to know more."  
  
::Madam Pomfrey drops down dead:: "Ah, great. I guess that means yes. HYPER WAVE!"  
  
Malfoy: "What the hell is he talking about?"  
  
Harry: "Dunno and I don't care ::still hopping:: but he's going to eat your brain. That's good.  
  
Malfoy: "YAY!"  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Snape standing in front of Crabbe and Goyle: AVADA KEDAVRA! *AVADA KEDAVRA!* Aww, crap, my wand's on the brink again...Hey, Greg, can I borrow your wand? ::nicks it off him:: AVADA KEDAVRA! ::Crabbe and Goyle drop down dead:: smartasses.  
  
Hermione: yes, the author is doing everything right! GO-hey, what was her name?  
  
Snape: AVADA KEDAVRA! ::Hermione falls down dead:: idiot.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
So, in the end, all turns out as bad as can be. Snape made a fund for his late Voldemort. It is called, 'Dye our decapitated bunny rabbits green and dance wildly atop Voldie's grave, for the end of the world is nigh' and is doing well (rumour has it that Snape has found love in Dumbledore and is using the proceeds for their wedding).  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
So there you have it. My worst fic to date.  
  
A not to flamers: flame all you like, because it won't affect me. I had too much fun writing this, and nothing that you say in your flame will get me off this high, so click the 'back' button on the browser, because if you stay you'll be wasting your time. :)  
  
But if for some reason you like it, you can do this flame challenge. YAY!  
  
The requirements are:  
*must be less than 50 words (not including regular review)  
*has to include the words "crapulent" "idiotic "weird" and "neurotic" (that rhymes ::grins stupidly::)  
*has to say 'I am a lamppost, in other words the *real* 3rd cousin of Voldemort'  
*must be Aussie English (don't go overboard; we're not as uncouth as some people might think)  
*must say 'rats' somewhere  
*must also say 'outhouse'  
*must be funnier than this fic  
  
Cookies to people who review or flame!  
  
Ginny .H. Potter's mad twin, Hinny .P. Gotter, who is being subdued by a cockroach (mmmmmmmmmm...tasty) :(   



End file.
